After a month of such a wonderful experience – the rhythmic churning of my mind to speak loud and bringing in the big guns to form beautiful lines of expressions and feelings, I felt pumped. In the end I felt bad that April had only 30 days!
But I am back after a week. In the last few days, I bled dry of words to say or write to anyone; even to myself. A deafening silence had taken over me. I used instantly gratifying activities- like binge eating and aimless binge watching- as a curtain to hide myself from my feelings and realisations. Turns out that lockdown had got to me!
Lockdown has reeked this sense of eeriness in me. As if I am living a sci-fi thriller; just another civilian living her life till a lethal wave swallows her away. The drive to make a conscious effort to feel better, dress better is withering away faster than the blooming summer greens. Eating clean, sleeping well is all just background noise; like the sound of the rotating ceiling fan without which silence of the night is loud. Dawns are sultry; the feeling of snuggling a little tighter in my blanket to get that last five minutes of sleep before my alarm rings is lost.
It seldom happens to us, doesn’t it? Sometimes we know what needs to be said and done to tackle a situation. But we just won’t. Especially now! Our will and limbs just don’t budge. We know that we cannot stay stagnant like this for long. Eventually we will get tired of feeling so tired. I am fully aware of how important it is to focus on the glass half full. It is a mantra etched in my cells. But just before the next block of the feedback mechanism kicks in where the tea is sweeter and bike rides are therapeutic again, I would like to sulk in my pity party for one – just for a few seconds. Don’t be surprised if you do too.
I know how important it is to develop a routine of healthy habits and good thoughts and prayers, believe me I do. But I also know that it is important to be unapologetic sometimes when one simply does not have the drive and just let be, for a day or for a week, if that is what it takes to get going…
Decluttering Diaries 